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Rapport

• Rapport can be learned. Practice.
• Depth of relationships > number.
• We don’t have to agree or like others, but we should always seek to understand them.
• Make an effort to connect with others.
• Build intimacy with those closest to you: children, parents, grandparents, close friends, and coworkers.
• Do not deceive others. Trust is hard to recover.
• Using force to control behavior is often ineffective and damages relationships.
  • Don’t try to force people to change.
  • Help them solve their own problems by listening and reflecting.
  • No one respects a bully; they only fear them.
• Be direct and clear with the message. Avoid passive communication, email, and text for important messages. Practice directness until it’s comfortable.
• Control your emotions enough so that the message can be heard.
  • Slow your reaction down by counting to ten or taking time to think.
  • Stay focused on the goal. Resolve the issue.
• Empathy: be more self aware. Empathy isn’t a competition.
  • Try seeing things from other’s perspective whenever possible.
  • Interpret others’ situations based on their own perspective.
• Autonomy: maintain your own and respect it in others.
  • Even when the stakes are high, aim to start by offering options.
• Reflection is about listening carefully and then repeating or paraphrasing the part you want to focus on. It keeps conversations moving forward.
  • Well meaning advice is often ineffective because it doesn’t relate to personal motivations and context.
  • Don’t tell people how to solve their problems or offer advice.
• People are the best experts on their own problems.
  • Ask them about their situation and goals and help them identify their own solutions.
• All things in moderation: aim for fluidity in conversation.
• Learning starts with self awareness.
  • Identify your own animal archetypical behaviors.
• Consider power relations.
  • Sometimes it’s better to approach a lion as a mouse, rather than another lion. Which role aligns most naturally?
• Always apologize for bad behavior.
• Learn the art of conversation.
  • Listen more and talk less.
  • Share. Look for shared experiences.
  • Seek. Get more from them than they get from you.

👂 HEAR Principles

• Honesty
• Empathy
• Autonomy
• Reflection

🔉 SONAR Reflection Techniques

• Simple reflections
• On-the-one-hand reflections
• No arguing
• Affirmations
• Reframing

🐾 Animal Archetypes

🦖 T-Rex (Conflict)

• maintains boundaries
• evokes T-Rex behavior in others
• bad T-Rex attacks
• guidance
  • avoid conflict whenever possible
  • clarify your goals and boundaries
  • avoid anger, aggression, attacking, sarcasm, and argument, and emotion
  • you cannot control others’ behavior; only yourself
  • keep it simple
  • CALM
    • stay cool
    • avoid anger
    • use careful language
    • be measured

🐭 Mouse (Capitulation)

• capitulates; follows
• evokes lion behavior in others
• bad mouse is sneaky and deceitful
• guidance
  • EASE
    • Explore what the other person has said before making assumptions about it.
    • Advice from other’s: seek it out and consider it, even if you don’t ultimately follow it.
    • Slow down and give space. Speak less than 20% of the time, yielding the other 80% to the other person.
    • Examine what is in your mind before you speak. Listen, think, and then speak. In that order.

🦁 Lion (Control)

• leads with strength and certainty
• evokes mouse behavior in others
• bad lion is overly rigid
• guidance
  • ROAR
    • Rigid? or Reciprocal?
    • Only me? or Others?
    • Anxiety? or Achievement?
    • Resentment? or Resilience?

🐒 Monkey (Cooperation)

• warm, playful, and collaborative
• evokes monkey behavior in others
• bad monkey is too familiar and lacks boundaries
• guidance
  • TEAM
    • Think it. Say it.
    • Easy and relaxed.
    • Animated.
    • Mirroring.